Ever since I read "A grief observed", there is so much I cannot get off my mind. To know that CS Lewis experienced the things I have experienced; To know that he could put into words the things I couldn't put into words. The things that I have been the most ashamed of; the things that have been the most painful to me; I was in a place, that I knew in my mind, no one had ever been before. I was experienceing things; I was going through a spiritual battle that had never been fought...And yet, here is this book, that chronicles the same battles, the same experiences, the same feelings, and offered me insight, that I couldn't gather in my own raw pain and emotion and honesty. I was deluded and arrogant.

   My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? When Christina died, when she was...gone,I fell to my knees beside her. Her lifeless hand in mine. I abandoned my Soul to the Lord. I collapsed to him, and to everything. All the strength and presence of mind I had mustered for my children,  her parents, and her friends, I laid it down before God, an offering of sacrifice and my pain, and my loss...And what escaped from my mouth in that cry was a poor reflection of what escaped from my spirit.There were no words or thoughts, but therewas something eternal in that choked sob of a scream that said "Lord, what now? I've fallen into this, Now I rely on you. Catch me. Sustain me."

   There was no answer.

   My God, My Father, I have spent my whole life worshiping, praying to, humbling myself before; trying to serve, trying to become less human and more Christian; to embrace him to do his will; the God that has mystified me in his patience to me and his love for me, The God that was there to pray to on those cold, lonely nights, when you're just a speck of life on an insignificant rock hurtling through infinite space and infinite cold, and all you can do is to be mystified as to why you are there. What is purpose and why in the world would you feel it if it wasn't real, and you know it's real, it's not some abberation of the mind that every man just happens to experience, it's not some trick of evolution, some sleight of hand of self-awaremess...But here. Here on this rock in space...The only rock with life on it and there you are the speck; so inconsequential, that time immortal passed before your presence and time immortal will pass after your presence ceases to exist and you have a purpose and DAMMIT what is it? That God. That God that we seek out for those answers. I threw everything to him with abandon. Because I had nothing left.

   And there was nothing there.

   There was nothing there. Jesus on the cross...What did he have left? "My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me?"

   I can remember driving around, weeks afterwards, alone.And I would just lose it. And I would scream and I would cuss and I would cry and I would shake my fist at the sky and I would shout "GOD! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? I have given up my wife. In faithfulness