Must be a red letter night for posting. Guess there is a lot on my mind. Crystallization. Saturation, if you will (I never spell check, ha). I know a secret. That was a hard one to go through. Boy, I know that one HAD to bother some people. :(

  I guess, if  could make a commentary on my own work, I would frame that poem in this light; that I  certainly was not a perfect person when Christina and I met, and she was just NOT perfect enough to love me for it. We were real people, to be sure. She was real, and imperfect, and we had two glorious years of being the bestest of friends before love ever became a topic. Not that we weren't, cause we were. It's just that we were so close, and enjoyed each other so much, that whoever else we were 'with' didn't matter. We were wide open. Wide open. Can anybody follow that? Convention didn't have a place in it. We knew each other through and through. There was no putting on airs for each other. By the time we fell in love, we fell in love with each other as HUMAN BEINGS. As incomplete and needy sinners. And we loved each other for it.

   You know what is weird, is I keep telling people I value honesty above all else. At the same time, I regrettably hold back the truth from them. Man, that disappoints me about myself. But I guess, you have to meet people where they are. I will someday learn to accept that most people are closed in. They cannot be honest with themselves or others or with God. Who would want to face that monster? Christina did. And underneath, there was this really beautiful wife and mother. The kind that milked goats and home-schooled kids and would rub her husband's face in the dark because it made him feel safe. That was my wife. Now she's gone. I knew the best and worst of her and  I am proud of every DAMN bit of it and no one better try to take any of it away. Nobody better put her on a pedestal or look down on her. That is the secret. I suffered all of her short comings, as she did mine. I rejoiced in all of her boundless beauty. She saw something in me I don't. God, she was something awesome. And it pisses me the Hell off when anyone tries to detract from any side of her. The secret is this: I am who I was and she is who God intended her to be and I am in love with every bit of it.

   I can't exactly look God in the eyes right now. For one reason, he let Christina die. Yeah, he did. He could have changed that, and he didn't. I try to understand, and probably never will, and I know he is all good, all the time. I get that. But do I have to like it? He hurt me, and he let me hurt. And he let me be in the worst places I have ever been, and the sky stayed blank. Even when I dared the Holy Spirit to come and consume my arrogant ass with fire, the sky stayed a stony grey. When the Angel of the morning came, it was just him and I. I don't like it, and I won't. But hey, could I be more honest with Christina than God? Cause I would have told her all of this, and she has told me similar things. We weren't always the birds of paradise, us to.

   I guess this is why this blog is here. Christina's death is the worst and biggest  thing I have ever had to face, to be sure. My death would have been so  much easier. But here it is, and the only person I can completely confide in, has exited stage left. Now she is at peace with the Father, and here I am, here neurotic, insane, WIDE OPEN husband with all this crap I would have laid on her, with no where to go. I guess this is the best I could do. A ridiculous blog.