Why

I just felt like someone, anyone should know. I wanted someone to know what I was going through. I wasn't just being weird because I had the opportunity to do so. I was legitimately losing my mind. Correction; my mind had legitimately been scrambled. I don't know, maybe I let that happen. I sure as Hell didn't care to prevent it.

   The first days then weeks after Christina died, I couldn't love. I could only perform for other people and for my children. I could only do what I knew I needed to do; what they needed my to do. But I could not feel love., just overwhelming sadness, depression, abandon.

   Today I woke up, and just held little Naomi in my arms and stroked her face. I lay there and loved her, just to love her. I feel it again. I know I am getting better. I know that is what Christina would want. Sometimes, it makes me angry. I don't want it to get better. I fight it. It just seems wrong for it TO get better. On the other hand, I pretend I can think about it from Christina's side now. I can firmly believe she would want me to get better. I always wanted her to. And I know she wants her little girls to be happy.

   I talked to a friend of mine, and she told me how her sister died when she was so young, hit by a car. She told me how her therapist told her she was probably depressed her entire life, because during those formative years (2) she never saw happiness, joy, smiles. I don't blame her Mother and Father. Who could? I am sure they gave her what she needed. Except boundless, joyful love.

   Somewhere I have got to work all this out. And no fail safe, pedantic answers. "Look at the beach, there is only one set of footprints..." None of that. We all live and breathe and love and die on this mossy stone spinning through an incomprehensibly vast Universe through time out of mind to an end that we cannot conceive. And yet, everyone of us KNOWS there is a reason for it. And of course, we have been given evidence that there IS a reason. Show me a culture or civilisation that does not have a system of beliefs that there is a reason for this beyond we eat, breathe, copulate, reproduce, die, and that is the point. "Here the Universe randomly produced sentience so that it (the sentience) could immediately become the most self-serving douche imaginable, but it can't do it, so life pretty much is unfulfilling for everyone, and oh, by the way, at some point you get sick and hurt and die. And you will have the irritating and unavoidable feeling that it is not supposed to happen that way, but you can't define why, and you never will. Merry Christmas." Really, Atheists? You must be so fun at parties.

   However, I also don't think the reason is to walk around like a bunch of smug dicks because you are a Calvinist and pretty and  (white) have a degree and so therefore you were chosen to look down on and all those poor unelected little starving bastards all over the rest of the world. If that is what it is about, you can keep it, and I want to be on the other side. The side that didn't get picked and sits around dirty and uneducated and starves, because I can't go to your school of thought, friend.

    And then, you lie in bed, and in spite of whatever happened in life, and whatever happens, you love a baby, your baby, because you love. You don't need to, and any baby would do. You stroke their face and their hair, and you think how you need to get your shit together NOW because my God, there are children to take care of. And you need to, and you WANT to. And if you do that, then you die, then life is good enough. And if you can go to "Hell" doing that,
 
   I know right now, someone somewhere is crying "Oh what piteous stuff" and chalking that very feeling up to instinct. Ok let's go with that. If it is instinct, then what? Why?

   Why would the Universe randomly compel us to perpetuate our species? A good floor show, perhaps? And then someday we hurdle into the Sun as an encore? Because, you know, that would mean the "Random" Universe is sentient, and has imposed will on us, so it is not, it has will, and there IS right and wrong and OH MY GOD we are right back here.

A conclusion is where someone got tired of thinking.